In Denmark, couples therapy is called “parterapi”, and in the tiny Scandinavian country with divorce rates at close to a world record this is an important word to know.
Most people I’ve spoken to regard parterapi as the last resort before divorce. One has long been dissatisfied. One has tried with arguments and long talks, but nothing has helped. One has spoken with friends and parents, maybe even with a priest or bartender - but good advice is hard to come by. One has (almost) given up.
Parterapi is seen by many as the last resort. The final step in an heroic attempt at saving a relationship on the brink of failure. Having to pay for outside help is also painful. And is it worth the money ?
Upon arrival at therapy, it often turns out that the expectations, far from shared, are quite different for the two participants. For some, it is already over and only the tidying up remains. Help (or courage) is needed to end an often painful existence. Some arrive unwilling to participate but unable to decline being “dragged” there by the other - unwilling or unable to refuse to taking part in what may be a fruitless rescue attempt.
Many arrive in the hope that some quick advice will be forthcoming that can help them get back on track so they can continue with the happy relationship they had before it all went wrong.
- and to their surprise they are told by the therapist that no magic cure is forthcoming. They are told that it they, themselves, who will have to work hard and that the help the therapist can provide consists of support and guidance, in help to rebuild a stable and trusting relationship. They are also told that it will take time and that the work will at times be hard, that progress will be made and relapses occur. They will experience laughter and also tears and that , more than anything else, it will require courage.
Courage is needed to open up and reveal one’s thoughts and aspirations to another. It takes courage to share feelings, to allow another to see one’s strengths and weaknesses. And it takes courage to open oneself to another, vulnerable and without the protection one has built up over a lifetime.
It is hardly surprising that so many give up after only a few tries. Or never come to begin with.
For those who succeed, the payoff is great. They end therapy with increased confidence in themselves, in life and in each other. They acquire strategies they can apply to solve future difficulties and disagreements. They get increased insight into their own ways of meeting the world and how they are different from each other and thereby can help each other to achieve more than either can achieve alone.
And often they ponder: “What made us wait so long?”, “I wish we had known all this long ago”, “Just think of how happy we could have been all this time.”, “If only we had known”
About the Author:
Relationship problems? Ilan Wolffberg is an American psychotherapist residing in Denmark for over 30 years. Check out his expert advice on Couples Therapy or on Parterapi as they say in Danish. Don’t reprint this exact article. Instead, reprint a free unique content version of this same article.
